Who am I?

I am NOT ok! This is the hardest lesson I have had to learn. I asked for this. I kept saying, “it’s all ok”, when it wasn’t! Nothing is anywhere near ok about anything in my life right now.

This lesson is not about being a victim, it is about surrendering to God, the Creator, the higher power greater than me. If I am to be a co-creator, I must be able to surrender to the creative process without judgment. This experience is neither good or bad, right or wrong, dark or light, black or white. It just is. It is perfect in every way. It feels really awful at the moment, but it’s not bad or wrong it’s exactly what is needed at this precise moment; everything and nothing all at the same time, balance in its most Divine form.

I am God’s servant, and a partner in his work. It doesn’t matter what words I use to express who my higher power is. What does matter is that I surrender to it completely. Vengence is not mine it is God’s and only God’s. Judgment is not mine, it too is for God only, but love, forgiveness, trust, acceptance, and peace are mine to find within myself and for myself.

Who am I? I am a Child of God, a Child of the Universe. I am one microscopic particle amongst billions and billions of these particles, and I am one in the same with all of them. I AM LOVE.

There are moments when being unattached feels right, this is the majority of my linear experience, and then there are moments like these…

My heart beats out of my chest and I become that little girl who is without her family, in a land far from her place of birth, who feels separated from everything she is familiar with and can’t see past the fear of being alone. In this moment no amount of self talk will calm this wounded child.

It is in a split second of the invasion of this doubt, this exercise of the ego, that the warrior becomes apparent and the frightened child is comforted and can rest.

This intense breakdown of all that I have known is indeed necessary for the immense restructuring of my life. If I said I was unafraid I would be telling an untruth. If I said I want to stop the process, again I would not be telling the truth. If I told you that every second brings exhilaration and curiosity in their most potent forms, I would be sharing with you my most heartfelt expression of appreciation, excitement, and trust in God I have ever been blessed with.

I think this may be the first words of a work in progress…